I have friends who are actually a decade plus younger than me. I often forget that we are not the same age, our lives are intertwined in one way or another and I forget that we are not the same age. But we are, and it is much more apparent to me now. This age, is sinking in. I just never saw myself at this age.
My skin, it is losing its younger, tighter feel and I have little lines around my eyes. There are smile lines along my cheeks, framing my lips, as if a “parentheses”. My hair has a softer, curlier texture, and my patience is easier to find. I laugh easily at myself these days. When I mess up, I don’t mind admitting that I am wrong. These are all good, strange things. My body and my mind are changing. I have gray hair. I do, and it sucks.
I see the fleetingness of time. It really hurts. My children are not babies, they are not toddlers. They are kids who talk and have opinions. They put their pants on and use the bathroom and have specific views on noodle shape. I cannot take it. It is too fast, and two at one time? There is no slow in and out of phases. BOOM! They both walk. BOOM They both talk! BOOM They are potty trained! It is too fast.
Everything takes time. Love, maturity, parenthood, careers. It kills me to see people trying to grow up too fast or think that they should be further along, promoted, or want to take on more and more. But, perhaps I am just jealous that they are gobbling life up? The way I did? It makes me reflect on my life so far:
In my teens I was WILD
In my 20s I was UNINHIBITED
In my 30s I GREW UP
In my 40s I EMBRACED MY FLAWS AND BECAME A MOTHER
What is next? What will happen in the second half of my 40s? Then my 50s? Will I age gracefully? HOW DOES ONE AGE GRACEFULLY? Will I breakdown and get Botox in my face? Is THAT what I want my kids to see? Me not being okay with my appearance? Does that even matter?
Who the hell knows. I don’t.
Meanwhile, I am going to go ahead and get a massage, kiss my husband and make my family a nice dinner because it is my birthday, an that is what makes me happy right now. Today, at 45.
Maybe I will skip the Botox this year. Maybe.