“Get your ass in here, we are going to have a come to Jesus RIGHT NOW” The sound of my childhood. I heard that a lot, I wish the lessons had stuck a little better.
Now, I don’t know about you, but having children has been the ultimate source of ego deflation. Don’t get me wrong, I have a healthy amount of self-esteem, however there is some behavior that should have been fixed long ago, and when these two angels danced out of my uterus, the shit hit the fan.
I think of “douchy parent” behavior. This is where BEFORE you have kids, you look at those kids running around the restaurant/store/ANYWHERE, getting into people’s purses, screaming bloody murder, taking all their clothes off and screaming “POO POO” at the top of their lungs, you look at your partner and with disdain say “our kids will never do that”. Well, yes they will you smug fuckers, yes they will.
This is just the simple stuff. Let’s talk about the big stuff.
I learned that I am not that big of a deal. That is it. Nothing more, but I am just another person on this planet trying to make a living, raise decent humans, and laugh with my husband. That is pretty much it. That one helps me in many aspects of my life, this newfound knowledge. I simply do not matter that much.
I am a terrible friend. I just am. Or, perhaps, was. Here is my view at this point in the game of life: “I get that I put myself first for decades. If you want to be my friend at this point, I should probably write you a check for a thousand dollars because you deserve it.” I am not being mean to myself, this is just how it is. I was on a fast track career path, I powered through friends and romantic relationships, I sought out the highs, and ignored the lows. My understanding now is this: The lows are what bring us together. Growing through the lows is what makes the highs so high, and having someone who you have done it with is the foundation of friendship. I have that in my current marriage, but it was hard learned. Life is a series of peaks and valleys. So, my friends, teach your kids to embrace their loved ones in the valleys because the peaks are much better with someone with you at the top.
I no longer judge peoples marriages|relationships. Ever. Bless you for going into the union, and bless you to the end. People do things to each other that are unfathomable but love is something that can be a fire that dwindles for a while, then needs more kindling or logs and reignites into a beautiful flame. Then, for some, it just gets doused out totally. This does not affect me at your house, only at mine. Be happy. Love in the fashion you love and communicate how you need to be loved back. I hope you find that balance and mirrored back to you in someone, and that it lasts forever.
I see things out of different eyes. Eyes of how I wish my kids to see me. I don’t want to gossip. I really don’t and I don’t want to raise gossips. I want my children to make friends that will be with them through thick and thin. I want them to fall in love for the sake of love. That heart exploding, devil may care, I will do anything for that person love, and I need to show how to keep that love alive through my actions towards my husband. I want my children to know they are loved but this world does not revolve around them and that they are specifically tasked with leaving it a better place then they found it. They are a speck of sand on the beach. However, in the same breathe, they will know that Abraham Lincoln was a speck of sand. Martin Luther King was a speck of sand. Eleanor Roosevelt and Maya Angelou were specks of sand. Much like the simple flap of a butterfly wing can start a tsunami, so can they make a change in this world.
So I have learned, in these 2 years how irrelevant I am, and how large my task of simply becoming a better person is. I guess that’s all I have to say about that.