I just shook my head, looked up from my desk and said to myself: I need air. I stood up, put my earbuds in and started walking. I walked a simple mile, through the city, around blocks, over an overpass and back. I looked up. I didn’t have a purse or wallet, just my music and me feet. I thought…..Young Missy would never have done this.
Young Missy. I actually said Young Missy.
I am back at my desk, pondering a pile of menus that need reviewing…..still trying to find the “sweetspot” for typing with my bifocals, and wishing only one thing. Wishing that I could stand back up and go for another walk. My thoughts were taking me to a place that I needed to go. I was thinking about how much I have changed in the last decade. Edges are softening and blurring in one area while senses and beliefs are becoming stronger and more acute in others. This slow, gentle changeover is always in process, but you don’t notice until you have almost made a complete flip flop from your “younger me”.
I find myself apologizing for not being the same Young Missy. Like I need to apologize for preferring rest, or the company of my children and husband. I do. I need rest, I need to see and feel my family on a daily basis. I do want to drown in the loving environment of our welcoming home. I don”t want to go out to the movies, I do want to go for a walk with my husband. I don’t want to go out to dinner in the city, I do want to pick blackberries with my kids. It is preferable, the walks, the berries, the time on the sofa swing. So, get over it.
I am fortunate. I want to be with my family. I am in love with my husband. I am the one who could give any of the other stuff up. Because of this, because my work is not threat to my personal life, I excel in work. I am able to place it where it belongs, come in and out of it. While I may not be perfect, I would say I am better than many.
Just as I have learned that friends have seasons, some long, some short, some are surprising disappointments and some are just wonderful surprises that were always there, I learn that Missy has seasons.. I hope the season I am in now is the longest. The one with few regrets, more forgiving of myself, a lot more time holding hands and children, and a lot less time wasted.
I am a gentler, yet stronger. I am playful, yet more thoughtful, I am rooted, but growing daily.
I am rooted. Rooted. This is what Young Missy was never before.
I’ve changed. Get over it.