On my own terms.

It is 6am and I am awake with coffee, and ready to write.  I have not been feeling very much writing inspiration in a while, so this is a nice change.  I have the fire going, the house is silent, and I am lost in my thoughts.  The impending 46th birthday has me once again racing against time to place all my thoughts lovingly in this website so that my children will be able to read my thoughts when they need them.  If they need them.

If you go through the catacombs of this now 7 year old blog, you will see my journey, marriage, infertility, career choices, motherhood and my life in food.  I guess one thing about me is that I have done things my way, not to quote Mr. Sinatra, but he was onto something.  “Let the record show, I took the blows, and did it my way.”  So much truth in those words,  Powerful, and they are just about as true as you can get to how I have lived my life thus far.  On my terms.  I am not a follower, that bugs people.  I rarely “join”.  It is just not in my character to have anyone have any claim on my time other than the person who writes my payroll, and now my family.

While this has a lot of benefits, there are downsides as well.  Every style of personality has its own set of ups and downs.  I tend to be alone, but rarely lonely.  Don’t get me wrong, I have friends, but am I often out to cocktails with the girls?  No.

I had this realization when my pal was over.  We talked a lot about ourselves, as women,  I finally just let it out.  I am goal oriented, and I am a succeed-er,  I cannot balance too many peoples emotions and accomplish goals. You simply cannot do it all.  You can, however, take care of your family and yourself and stay focused on your goals.  Taking on too much more dilutes something and usually the dilution is the YOU.  The self care.  You want to have a happy family and a full life AND a busy social life?  Well, you need your job, your family mean the world to you, so bye-bye exercise and rest.  Does this make for a long and happy life  No.  So, I often say goodbye to a large portion of the fluffy stuff and focus on family, goals and health.

Here is what I have witnessed: Those who give too much of the personal self fail:  marriages end, careers stall, or they raise kids who fail to become accomplished adults.  I am talking about making it to every party, every cool event, being part of the “in crowd”.  FOMO (fear of missing out) is the killer of relationships and careers.  I am grateful for whatever gene I inherited that I do not have this, I actually feel embarrassed sometimes for not feeling this more intensely.  I simply do not tend to be jealous.  You can have whatever you want, and if you want it bad enough, you will get it.  Jealousy is ridiculous to me, and seems like the outcome of laziness.  Tough words?  Honesty usually is.

Here is what I know:  I do need to still own me.  I also need to teach my children to be okay with being alone sometimes and taking time for a deep, hot bath, to watch a  movie alone, to get a massage instead of a night out on the town.  You can be alone, and not lonely.  There is a difference.  Those who find themselves in good company when alone are more apt to take risks, make big changes, and create success around them.

I look towards my retirement there are 3 things that I know for sure:  1.  I will be holding Jason’s hand on long walks.  2.  I will see and travel a lot.  3.  I will write every day.  How do I know this?  Because I allow the space in my mind to think of the future, and not be scared of it.  I am learning who I am and I am not going to rat race myself into thinking that I don’t have time.  I also allow myself the time to think.  I don’t fill my life with clamor, and that is by design.

I have people ask me how I am doing the career-mom-wife-radio personality balance.  the truth is that there is no balance needed.  My life is organized and I expect that someone will get sick, and that I will miss something, and I allow life to be bumpy.  If you know it will be bumpy, then it is just funny.  My husband and I often say to each other “this is crazy, right?” and have a good laugh.  I think back to when we had the twins and our life turned on its ear.  It was a turning point for us: survival mode.  We were in the kitchen, each of us holding a preemie twin, no sleep, trying to hold it together, trying not to hate each other due to lack of sleep….. and I said to him “Wow, I really think having kids has made our marriage even better!”  We laughed.  So hard.  It is all about remembering what you want overall, and not getting caught up in the nano-moment.  THAT is how I do it.

I do have time, and I will invest it as I see fit, and no, I do not feel bad.Maki